We have all kinds of days... no one day is specifically same as the one before that...
There are days I miss you so much... like I just want to sit in one corner and all I want to do that day is think about you... think about every possible thing about you... your eyes... your voice... remember you... the feel of your chin and your neck on the back of my hand...miss you... like get sick of you... unfortunately life happens simultaneously distracting me from thoughts of you... I think about when you were here... or when you sed that... and how I reacted... and then this whole new game starts... when I have conversations with you in my mind... most of the times... not much talk is involved... khair... you are nonetheless on the loop in my mind recorder....
Then there are days... I feel I am very much in a relationship with you... when you are the best and sweetest person in the world and my hero... and I just have this happy... no... ecstatic feeling inside my heart... that you have given me... and I glow! And I smile! And I giggle! And I have been given this assurance of sorts...its almost as obvious as breathing... that when your exile ends... well your exile will have ended... and I am keeping myself on a status quo...
And then there are days... when I hate you!!! When I doubt you and question you, your integrity... and believe that you are a cheater, a heart breaker, a lying conniving lil boy who still has the luxury to be reckless with life... not his own... but others... he doesn’t bother himself with sensitivity... where I feel I am solely at your mercy... my fate shall be as you please... and I am hanging... and helpless and I hate it! And I hate you! Cos the truth is... that’s exactly how you left me... maybe you were just as clear as one could be... and only foolishly I stood fixed where you left off... still wondering... will you return...
And then there are days I am a lil calmer... I accept how I feel... and I understand why I feel so... and I know this is a phase... and this will change... either way.. something will come along the path and drift me off this place... and my condition right now is not your doing... but simply how I am built and how i process my life.. and this thought of you and soon you too will be perhaps no more than a page long chapter... and I’ll make sure... u are a good read every so often I flip back the pages... or maybe you will want me... and grab me before its too late... before its too late... if its too late... I will not trace back.... currently I am in a trance... unaware of the reality... I am in a space that knows, sees or feels nothing in honesty... just the soul... and its movements and air and swings.... so I’ll wake up and move... once this trance it ends... i’ll get pulled wherever the force is stronger... your attention... Or your heart breaking actions... or something else.. in the meanwhile... I am enjoying it... this bittersweet confusion...
And there is today… When I hear this song (tu lage mujhe pehli baarish ki dua) and everything comes flooded back… and I am so glad for these memories that are made of you.. I am so glad what happened.. did happen… and I have this chronicle from the past which wondered about how today would be... today I am at peace.. I have no regrets.. no ill feelings and very much at peace with every decision I made and content with what fate had… I have no qualms.. no wishes to twist or change the past… you were a sweet albeit short melody.. and here I listen to this song tht I heard for you… and today this song reminds me of you, all the good days… and a solemn smile accepting the fate we had.. This thought.. This moment.. And this feeling is all in your name and all for eternity.. Its not what I give to you.. It's what I have taken from you... maybe I broke your heart a little… I never did have the strength to come to this confrontation.. although I hope I didn’t.. either way… you were a part of my life… to be revived and relived… on days like this… when I hear this song…
There are days I miss you so much... like I just want to sit in one corner and all I want to do that day is think about you... think about every possible thing about you... your eyes... your voice... remember you... the feel of your chin and your neck on the back of my hand...miss you... like get sick of you... unfortunately life happens simultaneously distracting me from thoughts of you... I think about when you were here... or when you sed that... and how I reacted... and then this whole new game starts... when I have conversations with you in my mind... most of the times... not much talk is involved... khair... you are nonetheless on the loop in my mind recorder....
Then there are days... I feel I am very much in a relationship with you... when you are the best and sweetest person in the world and my hero... and I just have this happy... no... ecstatic feeling inside my heart... that you have given me... and I glow! And I smile! And I giggle! And I have been given this assurance of sorts...its almost as obvious as breathing... that when your exile ends... well your exile will have ended... and I am keeping myself on a status quo...
And then there are days... when I hate you!!! When I doubt you and question you, your integrity... and believe that you are a cheater, a heart breaker, a lying conniving lil boy who still has the luxury to be reckless with life... not his own... but others... he doesn’t bother himself with sensitivity... where I feel I am solely at your mercy... my fate shall be as you please... and I am hanging... and helpless and I hate it! And I hate you! Cos the truth is... that’s exactly how you left me... maybe you were just as clear as one could be... and only foolishly I stood fixed where you left off... still wondering... will you return...
And then there are days I am a lil calmer... I accept how I feel... and I understand why I feel so... and I know this is a phase... and this will change... either way.. something will come along the path and drift me off this place... and my condition right now is not your doing... but simply how I am built and how i process my life.. and this thought of you and soon you too will be perhaps no more than a page long chapter... and I’ll make sure... u are a good read every so often I flip back the pages... or maybe you will want me... and grab me before its too late... before its too late... if its too late... I will not trace back.... currently I am in a trance... unaware of the reality... I am in a space that knows, sees or feels nothing in honesty... just the soul... and its movements and air and swings.... so I’ll wake up and move... once this trance it ends... i’ll get pulled wherever the force is stronger... your attention... Or your heart breaking actions... or something else.. in the meanwhile... I am enjoying it... this bittersweet confusion...
And there is today… When I hear this song (tu lage mujhe pehli baarish ki dua) and everything comes flooded back… and I am so glad for these memories that are made of you.. I am so glad what happened.. did happen… and I have this chronicle from the past which wondered about how today would be... today I am at peace.. I have no regrets.. no ill feelings and very much at peace with every decision I made and content with what fate had… I have no qualms.. no wishes to twist or change the past… you were a sweet albeit short melody.. and here I listen to this song tht I heard for you… and today this song reminds me of you, all the good days… and a solemn smile accepting the fate we had.. This thought.. This moment.. And this feeling is all in your name and all for eternity.. Its not what I give to you.. It's what I have taken from you... maybe I broke your heart a little… I never did have the strength to come to this confrontation.. although I hope I didn’t.. either way… you were a part of my life… to be revived and relived… on days like this… when I hear this song…
