Long - distance Short - comings

I want you here to so you can know me and I you..  Being familiar quite with each other's voices is no more than the tip of the ice berg.. 
I want  you here to not just hear me laugh but to see me cover my mouth while I do and maybe squish my cheeks cos my face now hurts from the constant grin that I have had since the past 2 hours for no reason.. 

I want u to see me squirm and shift in my spot and have a fingers fight when you say something sweet without any particular agenda or msg to convey..  And i want you to  see me when I finally fall silent... 

And i want you here to see u take a gasp when I dare say something daring..  And The kind of reaction I would want after such an episode can't be on call..  

I want gentle and non stop conversation between our fingers while spontaneous,  honest and relaxed conversations go on between our minds... 

Snippets

My heart sank down to the bottom of my chair when you took my name.. My full name..  (but later I realized I only had electricity to thank for that) Are u as mind fucked as I am..  I don't think so..  Men don't process tht way...  Alright then..  For the sake of sanity..  I will try and get u out of my head..  Such a  problem I am... Jussssst...  Stay..  I wanna get to know you so that I can justify this love I have for you.. 

There are so many things I wanna say to you..  So many reasons not to...  

Your job here is done...  I might have just lost myself to you..  Its just a lil alien feeling...  And i wanna deny it... just don't lead me on... U're cruel..  It's now established...  Pls be gentle and them pls blow my mind away ... 

At such a nascent stage..  So young..  There aren't even any memories to hold on to,  to indulge in.. So what exactly to miss..  To remember..  To just get lost in..  Like I wanna breathe but there isn't any air..  So what do I breathe...? Here's a cry for the future.. 

*problem * I've started having conversations with you in my mind cause I have stopped having conversations with you in person..  God save me now..  

Finally..  My subconscious has revealed you after much wonder..  I finally dreamt of you..  It took longer than it shud have..  Not tht it makes any difference..

Reruns of conversations with you...

So I had these doubts..  N these worries..  And these thoughts..  And just wen I was about to bury them..  You brought them to life and made them the harsh reality of my life..  (this was not for you..  But just a thought inspired)

How do I know if I am physically attracted to you..?  If everytime I think of you I think of the way you would write poetry with your body and mine..   How you would kiss me and how you would undress me..  And how I would feel as you move about.. Even though I have not been physically present with you.. For the first time in my life I am not afraid of being absolutely bare in front of you..  Or that I M not beautiful or thin enough.. I feel bold..  Beautiful..  Confident..  Have you instilled these feelings in me? I know already you would blow my mind..  Ruin me..  And i don't want it any other way...  Does this qualify as physical attraction?

I wanna love you the way you love..  I wanna be like you..  Think like you..  Its so strange and unwarranted yet I wanna be an extension of you...  What else can I do..  Ab tumhi sahi lagte ho...

S: there are many things I have said to you..  Many names I have called you by..  All in my thoughts
A: why didn't you ever tell me?
S: I would have just as much as I will in good time..  When the conversation stears in that direction...
A: that way u'll always keep waiting...
S: I have only been waiting for you..  Lemme know when the wait is over..
A: know now

My Fifty

M in love with him...  I might just be ruined..  But yes I am too in love with the book..  The story..  M in love with the author! What a heart she has to blend love n lust together... She's gifted indeed..  There's a reason this book got the fame it did..  Surely well deserved...  There are many books tht have erotism...  This one is class apart..
I have felt horror and fright..  And face turning pale..  And heart racing and eyes racing through words to know what next...  Its amazing how everytime sex was so special..  Everytime I love you felt more meaningful and deep

I am...  I got words! I got the gift of writing back..  I was blocked for soo many days...  Words flow now..  Unreserved...  M not having trouble giving shape to my thoughts and feelings..  Even hellos are sed like they're a piece of literary marvel... Its a satisfying and accomplishing feeling... 

The Dancing Body - The Dancing Soul

Naukuchiatal  (offsite)
April 12th 2015
Arnd 9 pm

While parikshit was dancing spectacularly..  Acing and mastering his well crafted  sharp and confident steps..  There was dheeraj..  Well, nobody knows what dheeraj was doing but he sure as hell was meaning it with all his heart..  Feeling it acutely independently intensely and wildly with his dear dear heart...  His appearance and movement was no less than the projection of what his heart was feeling and making him feel and the feelings in his heart..  I deny calling this anything other dancing..  The most and the only way the soul rises and takes shape in you... Dancing..  The movement that comes straight from the heart..  Unreserved..  Unhindered..  THAT is dancing with your heart..  Not your feet..  If someone were to ask who was dancing better..  I think we all know what the answer is..

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music"
                                       - Nietzsche 

Eyes

I love your eyes... I cant wait for you to look at me with those eyes... And i cant wait to see the look in those eyes when you look at me.. 

Days of Our Lives

We have all kinds of days... no one day is specifically same as the one before that...



There are days I miss you so much... like I just want to sit in one corner and all I want to do that day is think about you... think about every possible thing about you... your eyes... your voice... remember you... the feel of your chin and your neck on the back of my hand...miss you... like get sick of you... unfortunately life happens simultaneously distracting me from thoughts of you... I think about when you were here... or when you sed that... and how I reacted... and then this whole new game starts... when I have conversations with you in my mind... most of the times... not much talk is involved... khair... you are nonetheless on the loop in my mind recorder....



Then there are days... I feel I am very much in a relationship with you... when you are the best and sweetest person in the world and my hero... and I just have this happy... no... ecstatic feeling inside my heart... that you have given me... and I glow! And I smile! And I giggle! And I have been given this assurance of sorts...its almost as obvious as breathing...  that when your exile ends... well your exile will have ended... and I am keeping myself on a status quo...



And then there are days... when I hate you!!! When I doubt you and question you, your integrity... and believe that you are a cheater, a heart breaker, a lying conniving lil boy who still has the luxury to be reckless with life... not his own... but others... he doesn’t bother himself with sensitivity... where I feel I am solely at your mercy... my fate shall be as you please... and I am hanging... and helpless and I hate it! And I hate you! Cos the truth is... that’s exactly how you left me... maybe you were just as clear as one could be... and only foolishly I stood fixed where you left off... still wondering... will you return...



And then there are days I am a lil calmer... I accept how I feel... and I understand why I feel so... and I know this is a phase... and this will change... either way.. something will come along the path and drift me off this place... and my condition right now is not your doing... but simply how I am built and how i process my life.. and this thought of you and soon you too will be perhaps no more than a page long chapter... and I’ll make sure... u are a good read every so often I flip back the pages... or maybe you will want me... and grab me before its too late... before its too late... if its too late... I will not trace back.... currently I am in a trance... unaware of the reality... I am in a space that knows, sees or feels nothing in honesty... just the soul... and its movements and air and swings.... so I’ll wake up and move... once this trance it ends... i’ll get pulled wherever the force is stronger... your attention... Or your heart breaking actions... or something else..  in the meanwhile... I am enjoying it... this bittersweet confusion...

And there is today… When I hear this song (tu lage mujhe pehli baarish ki dua)  and everything comes flooded back… and I am so glad for these memories that are made of you.. I am so glad what happened.. did happen… and I have this chronicle from the past which wondered about how today would be... today I am at peace.. I have no regrets.. no ill feelings and very much at peace with every decision I made and content with what fate had… I have no qualms.. no wishes to twist or change the past… you were a sweet albeit short melody.. and here I listen to this song tht I heard for you… and today this song reminds me of you, all the good days… and a solemn smile accepting the fate we had.. This thought..  This moment..  And this feeling is all in your name and all for eternity.. Its not what I give to you..  It's what I have taken from you... maybe I broke your heart a little… I never did have the strength to come to this confrontation.. although I hope I didn’t..  either way… you were a part of my life… to be revived and relived… on days like this… when I hear this song…

Be Negative

Contrary to optimistic belief, negativity is, I believe, the most powerful of all thought process... clearly you can see this is negativity talking....

Hate... is so easy... so attractive... pulls you towards it with such force and energy... it takes all the might in the world to repel it, dissolve it... rise above the dark ditch of hatred... YOU NEED 10 REASONS TO NOT INDULGE IN IT... IT NEEDS JUST ONE TO GET YOUR INDULGENCE... the reason why it is so strong is cause while it envelopes us it has that horrible evil wicked and sly force disguised as support and justice and hence pleasure... from where emerge these famous phrases... “Revenge is a dish best served cold” and “Sweet Revenge”. 

To research anger—an emotion tied to revenge—some scientists have used a way to measure electrical activity of neurons in the brain. They’ve found that when a person is insulted, angered, a part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex lights up—which happens to be the same area that illuminates when someone sees delicious food and has the compulsion to eat it.The greater the activity in the prefrontal cortex, the stronger one’s urge to react. This was the scientific reasoning for your satisfactions

Ego... another negative presence... every time something that happens which is in clear and inherent contradiction to our sense of acceptability, especially when it is affecting us personally.... our egos are hurt... they are somehow insulted and create that strong and powerful flaming impulse inside us to be justified (to put most humbly), pacified, avenged.... quickly the poor thing (ego) has to be done right by... its instantaneous! It is absolute and intense unadulterated 100% dark smoke pulling you in. in the whole shenanigans of “boosting our ego” we are engulfed in this feeling.... it’s so strong and powerful and has this spell on us... that makes us believe that our thoughts our words our actions are nothing but the gospel truth, the blind and impartial deeds of righteousness... clearly the God’s Will cos while these feelings make us feel that they are feeding us our deserved right resulting in our advantage or in most cases the others’ slamming defeat...they are actually feeding on us....

I have had the occupational hazard of dwelling on such negativity... so I won’t lie... much too often I have succumbed to it.... with politics and a thin line between right and wrong.... and making a living thanks to the grey areas... this kind of feeling has entered me many a times and yes I have acted upon it...

So I’ll tell you what happens... it strikes you... grabs you... hate.. it takes all your attention... pulls you down with all its might (and my! Don’t you underestimate the might of the bad) and with the weight... engulfs and consumes you completely... hate.... at that point it is the only thing you can understand, relate to and trust as your truest own... eyes filled with fire... words spitting out like shooting arrows... actions as hard as crisp slaps.... hopefully leaving a mark on the other’s face for a long time and this feeling- hate.. it absorbs and consumes you... consumes all your energy... and once it’s done and passed... it leaves you exhausted... famished... weak and alone... when the smoke clears..... as far as you are concerned... its only devastation...

ITS WORK HERE IS DONE!

Permanent Loss

Death teaches us LIFE lessons like none other. Loosing a person has the effects that are larger than life itself. No matter how much we try to console ourselves and loved ones that whatever happened, was best for the passer by, this is only how life is... Death being an equal part of it. But thts not the thought with which we live our lives. We love touch and connect with people. Share our lives with them. Joys and sorrows... They become a part of us. We become a part of them. When they move on, there's that part of us that goes away too with them. And that ache of detachment is felt bit to bit. There is no thought possibly that can make us feel better. We suddenly understand life with a more serious and grave sense.
A loss you cannot recover from. Cos u clearly never intended to loose that person. But it happens... In front of us... Slowly.. Gradually... And then that final moment... When u know its lost... Even years later if we remember them, the days we shared with them, the days we shared this loss with others... It bothers... It aches... Just as much... But the coats of years don't unleash it... But inside u know u feel it just as much... This is how they live within us even later...

CARNAL APPRECIATION

Its so funny how good clothes make someone look so attractive that after a point, the appreciation reaches that level when  all u can think of is ripping those clothes off and having your way with them.

WORD PLAY

Inspiration sneaks up on you... Always!

You keep looking for it in music, books, quotes you read off the internet, but then some sparkling moment comes... a moment of epiphany that clears the air in your head and suddenly thoughts rise, improvise, get channelized and ready to be dipped in ink!

Great words from someone scintillate and entice you to write. It’s an encouragement, a happy challenge to create something meaningful yourself. I thank all those moments in my life which have been an inspiration. If there is one thing I would want from my life, it would be to be inspired.. Time and again and again...

Much can be gathered from what a person writes. For one, the content- shows what is of significance to a person. Secondly, HOW its written, that tells more about a person than what actually has been written. The kind of words used... the flow of the write up that can tell you the flow of thought in a person’s mind. The clarity and the certainty with which a person thinks and feels... the complete story to that thought.. From its inception to its epilogue.. Shows how a person’s mind flows.. Whether these thoughts are rushed.. the urge too strong to pen them hard and clear like unloading a weight off the chest... or whether these thoughts are placid... calm.. smooth.... flowing in a peaceful manner... well spread with the words then used...

WORDS speak much more than the meaning they carry to themselves...